In which we just hold on.

My friend's little girl, S, died this weekend. She was just 5 months older than Lev. Every time we saw her, he would get super excited and they would spend some time patting each other on their arms, and squealing at each other. She is Lev's first friend. He likes other kids, but he loves S. when your friends children die, it's hard. But when your children are friends, it's a new level of pain and sadness.

S will be deeply missed in our family. I cried all day yesterday, for E and A, and for Lev, and I didnt sleep well last night. Alex said that we have to remember her for Lev, an idea I wholeheartedly embrace. I'm hoping to find a picture of S to put in Lev's room, alongside other pictures I'm hoping to take and put up, so we can talk about her from time to time, and how much we love her and E and A.

I dont want to pontificate about God and death here. It will just come off badly. But as I put myself in this situation, I dont think I would handle it well. I mean, I know intellectually that our children are not really ours- that they belong to God, who ordains their lives. But when the rubber meets the road, and it's time for intellectual knowledge to become real active faith (as it always should be and sadly is not for a lot christians- myself included), there is always a small crisis of faith, where I wonder how much I believe in the truth that I read in the Bible every day. But weirdly, I feel ok in these moments, to tell God that I'm kind of off kilter, and that I can't arrive at the faith I need alone and to ask for faith. And that's the way it's supposed to be I think. The more I think about it, the more I find myself able to admit that I am weak in my faith and need God to give it to me so I can pray harder for E and A. And He always give it to me. And becuase he give it to me he will certainly give it to them. And then there is that promise that his mercies are new every morning. And so we all keep clinging to that, and keep going, and our faith keeps growing. And thats what I pray for everyone right now, where we all are- for faith that keeps growing and for new mercies every morning.

That doesn't heal me instantly, and my day will still be filled with tears and prayer but it sustains me in my sadness and gives me hope that greater things are yet to come.