Written today in a letter to a friend...

I see how much I surrounded myself with people (both in church and out of it), things, and mentalities that are not helpful. But in the end, the problem is my own problem. The root cause is a profound disbelief in the fact that the Lord really is sovereign, and related to that is that somehow what peoples opinion of me matters more to me than my identity in Christ does. So when people make comments about where and how we live, and put forth theories about why we haven't had kids( this actually happens), or doom us to unhappiness in NC, I actually start to believe that what they say is true. I KNOW intellectually that they are wrong and that what I am doing is irrational (and sinful), but I let that get in the way of regrounding myself in the ultimate reality of Christ's sovereignty and that we live by FAITH and not by sight(or other peoples opinions). Its scary how much I have come to depend on things I can see, and how I have twisted myself into this sight based faith that isn't faith at all. Its just some bad impression of how life in Christ should really be.