How not to be Southern

1. Refuse all invitations to Pig Pickin's on the grounds that they are barbaric.
2. Surround yourself with people from places like the one you came from: liberalish, yuppie types.
3. Make fun of southern accents(AKA- act like an elitist).

I made fun of the southern accent at my parents house a couple of weeks ago, and my dad got onto me me about being an elitist. I told him it takes one to know one. My dad, normally quick to accept an elitist association, begged to differ and opined that I was merely jealous that couldn't make one syllable words into 2 syllable words.

For the record, I'm not jealous. Adding syllables to words is a lingusitic energy waster, and suggesting I want to do that is comparing me someone who puts supreme gasoline into a gas tank that really only requires regular. But I still love my dad. He loves the south, and wants me to love it too. I like the south, although this week, I merely tolerate it.

But I am not going to deny that I am an elitist. I'm not really working through that or anything right now either, since I have other issues to work through at the moment. But thats a post for a different time. I'd like to offer up examples of the "southern dialect" as I am now referring to it. Southern dialect follows standard English examples.

My dad got onto me (ok... not standard english): My dad lit into me.

I went to the store: I was down to the store.

I might be able to do that. Or, I might have done that: I might could, or I might could have done it.

Pepsi: Coke

DOg: Dawg

Valley, glen, or depression in the ground: Holler

Freeway: Highway, but spell it h-i-w-a-y.

Mile: Mahle

Five: Fahve

Turn left at the stop sign, and drive straight for 6 miles and you'll reach ridge road: Now, yer gonna see a small pohlice depahtment on the left... tern there, then set the speedahmetah thing at 60 and drive for 6 or 7 minutes and go and go and go then you'll come rot upon ridge road there. Cain't miss it.

She's a fool: Bless her heart.

You're a fool: Bless your heart.

Wow: Lord have mercy

Luau: Pig Pickin'. Interesting fact: if you google pig picking, it will suggest that you are looking for pig pickin'. Leaving off the G is very important for some reason.

Now you west coasters can go out and insult someone, or amuse others.