We're still a month out, people. Tension is mounting, but so is the excitement.
When I washed the clothes I bought, they had that wonderful newborn smell when I pulled them out of the dryer.
Selling the wretched Dr. Browns bottles made me feel less weighted down.
Mindlessly rolling the stroller back and forth while I talk on the phone to countless, unhelpful people in customer support centers is soothing. Soon, I'll be out for walks with L in the crisp cool air.
Planning "hikes" with a newborn in a moby wrap sounds restful.
And yet, in the midst of all the excitement, I just want to run off do something with Alex, completely free of babies and adoption. A year ago we were in Maine, eating lobster and climbing rocks. It was the best week and I have thought of that vacation everyday. I find myself wishing there was someway to go again, to sit on the rocks with Alex and talk about nothing, while throwing leaves into the wind and watching how and where the wind carries them. In the last 2 weeks, I've started to wonder if my whole life is going to be like this- a balance between this deep love for my sons and husband, and the desire to be my own person, unencumbered by the needs of others and to define myself by things other than my family.
Minus the part about the leaves in the wind, our adoption counselor says this is normal. She told me to do something for myself for an hour everyday that didnt involve the gym. She made me understand why people love going to their counselor to work through their various issues. I dont know what I'm going to do when she doesnt call me once a week anymore. My sister is in a graduate counseling program... maybe I will make her call me once a week. That's a not a plan filled with problems, is it?
Canoeing in on Long Pond in Acadia National Park. I love that face, even though I shot into the sun. It was a moment of bad photography with someone I love.
1 comment:
Oh man! Did I have these feelings too...and for about three to four months after our boy came home. I still sometime so miss those moments of just me and my husband, but then the boy asks me to read a book, hold my hand, or says mama and that melts. It is a major life change even thought it is your dream. In a sense we have already given up so much to get to the point where we will be parents it can be hard to rearrange our thoughts and focus when it is finally there. I remember feeling like I didn't know what to think about. I didn't have my students that I adored, I didn't have the fertility treatments or thoughts about when our call would come...what was I to think about...then the boy started looking at me, really seeing me and wanting to learn and I got my head out of my butt and started my new passion. :) Hang in there. Hang in there. I can't wait to read that the baby is there.
:) Lisa T.
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