Unpresentable

I feel obligated to write something tonight although I don't feel like have one remotely interesting thing to say. I feel like the Lord has been chipping away at me, forcing to step back and take stock. And I feel like I don't know what I am supposed to take stock of. Sure, I can always take stock of my sin, and spend hours wallowing in guilt and conviction over the state of my spiritual life. I could avoid all of that and focus only on how good the Lord has been to Alex and me (and He's been so very very good to us), or I could find a happy medium. Without recognizing my sin and misery, I cant really recognize how great the Lord truly is. I can name so many things, small and large that the Lord has done, but today is one of those days where my joy in Christ is becoming quickly overwhelmed by my overactive imagination and way over developed anxiety level.

Someone at work commented that I seem totally disconnected from what goes on around me. I think they are right, and the fact that I stared politely at them while they told me this tells me its true. I rarely genuinely smile anymore or make small talk or laugh or leave my room at lunchtime. I don't volunteer to do any thing anymore and I want to cry every time a student tells me they haven't prepared for class. If I do smile its a nervous forced sort of smile. I am constantly nervous. This is hardly a portrait of a person filled with the joy of Christ. When asked what I did to alleviate these feelings I told my coworker that there was nothing I could do except throw myself at the feet of Jesus.

In some ways I feel that's all I have left. My career is dead in the water, my pride is nonexistent, having been chipped away by fractious parents and students with a strange sense of entitlement. Even my confidence in cooking is gone since I burned something simple on Saturday (I NEVER burn anything) and my husband has a digestive problem. I feel naked and exposed to the elements. Its hard to throw myself at the feet of Jesus in this condition because I have nothing left. I am hardly presentable. And I think that's how Christ prefers me. Being at the feet of Jesus is a far better place to be. And feeling unrepresentable yet drawn by the grace of God to the foot of the cross is better than anything else I can think of. The fact that everything is being kicked out from under me is not a sign that I am being abandoned by God but that I am in the process of being refined by Him and made more like Him. Its a sign of his grace to me. The cross is my one only great hope and it actually cant be taken away from me. Its the only thing that can set me free. Just writing that makes me feel better.